Member-only story
No, You Can’t Make Your Ex Change
But if you really want to help them, what you can do is educate, inspire, or challenge them toward change. And hope for the best.
I recently noticed that many people want to change their ex once they start dating them regularly.
Suddenly, they want more affectionate phone calls and “I love you” texts to feel validated and approved of. They want their ex to be involved in the same interests and hobbies they’re involved in. They want them to be less shy and quiet — or better in bed.
Day in and day out, too many people keep thinking, “If only they would change — if only my ex would be different and/or get their shit together, then everything would yet again be fun and fellatio.”
An Uncomfortable Truth
I hate to say this but forcing your ex to change almost never works out. On the contrary, in fact — it usually just sabotages re-attraction and keeps you from getting back together.
This is because trying to get your ex to change against their will — trying to get anyone to change against their will — is a major boundary violation, which annoys, sometimes even disgusts, just about anyone. And this goes regardless of how you try to change your ex.
