Vulnerability: The Key To Rekindling Your Relationship
True vulnerability is key when you’re trying to get back with your ex. Learn what it is and what it can and can’t do for you.
When I was younger, I naively regarded vulnerability as weakness. I thought the entire ethos behind it was, for some reason, unattractive and pathetic. This crooked view of vulnerability was especially prevalent when I was trying to get back with my ex — as is the case with most people.
Instead of revealing my authentic self to her, I hid behind a fake persona — someone indifferent, mysterious, and suave. I basically altered my entire identity and character to please my ex and raise her attraction for me. I cared more about how she perceived me than how I perceived myself. I was, by definition, a needy piece of shit.
I figured that if I did all of this, she would fall in love with the new-fake-me, and we would eventually get back together, at which point I could drop the whole act — at least a bit.
Turns out it’s not that simple.
From the moment I sent my first string of texts, she knew I was faking my calm and collected disposition. Yet, I still persisted with my performance. And the more I performed — the harder I tried to hide my authentic self — the deeper I reinforced my belief that I’m not good enough for my ex the way I am.
In the end, not only did I not get back with my ex, but I also left my self-esteem in shambles and kept struggling in my love life years following my breakup for the same reason I struggled in re-attraction — a lack of vulnerability.
Addressing The Reservations
Most people have reservations around this topic. Some think vulnerability means crawling under the desk and crying like a little kid while begging an ex for acceptance. Some believe it’s all about hand-holding and singing and dancing around a campfire at some overpriced self-help seminar. Others assume it’s all about telling your best friend how much you love them and how much they mean to you.
And maybe you’re one of these people, in which case, I don’t blame you. Most conventional self-help advice presents vulnerability in these cringe-ass, brain-dead ways.
However, real vulnerability has nothing to do with fishing for acceptance or any hippie, feel-good, new-age bullshit. Real vulnerability is actually far simpler, more mundane, yet way more powerful than all of the preconceived, wishy-washy notions people have about it. It’s also backed by mountains of empirical data, all confirming its legitimacy and advantages.
Talking of advantages — real vulnerability builds intimacy and trust, removes ambiguity and gameplay, creates sexual tension, improves self-esteem and confidence, torches neediness, and above all, implies to you that you’re of equal status to your ex, and reinforces the belief that you are worthy, that you are adequate, and that you should feel that way.
For these reasons, I’m convinced vulnerability is the best and only proper means of re-attraction. It’s the one thing that should permeate across all interactions you have with your ex. I like to think about it as the key to rekindling your relationship, the key to better relationships.
What Is Vulnerability
In a nutshell, it means expressing your thoughts, desires, and emotions while staying unguarded and undefended, and not expecting a particular response in return.
Vulnerability can be as simple as telling your ex you want them back, complimenting them on their looks when you meet up, asserting a boundary when they cross it, expressing genuine love for them, or disagreeing with them, and potentially offending them.
When you’re vulnerable, you’re communicating, “This is who I am. Take it or leave it.” In a way, you’re sticking your neck out emotionally and putting yourself in a position where you can be hurt.
You’ve heard that right.
Real vulnerability is risky, uncomfortable, and often has tangible consequences. You may piss off your ex. You may turn them off. You may destroy your chances of getting them back. But the key is to accept these consequences. Because if you’re lucky enough to get back with your ex while being truly vulnerable, the odds of cultivating a lasting and healthy relationship skyrocket.
Mistakes People Make With Vulnerability
There are two big mistakes people make when they attempt to be more vulnerable. The first is treating vulnerability as another tactic. And the second is confusing it with an unrestrained deluge of emotion.
Vulnerability Is Not A Tactic
Many uninformed individuals think, “If I tell my ex this awkward or unusual thing about me, they’ll love me again or like me more.” What they’re actually doing here, however, is committing emotional manipulation. It’s inauthentic. It’s needy. It’s unattractive.
When you’re truly vulnerable, you relinquish control; you express yourself unconditionally, that is, without expectations. So whenever you’re using vulnerability as a tactic, you’re just doing the opposite — you’re trying to promote control; you’re expressing yourself conditionally.
Here’s an example. If I tell my ex about how I got bullied in high school for being the fat, rich kid with the intention of getting them to like me more, I’m being inauthentic and manipulative, thus unattractive. Whereas if I tell the exact same story with the intention of sharing myself for the pleasure of sharing myself or as a way of relating to my ex’s stories, then I’m being authentic and vulnerable, thus attractive.
Think of vulnerability as a mindset rather than a tactic or a conversational tool. It’s a reflection of how comfortable you are in your own skin. And until you drop the mindset of tactics and conversational tools, you’re going to continue to be lost.
Vulnerability Is Not Emotional Waste
The other mistake people make with vulnerability, especially those with backgrounds of repression, is to misperceive it as drowning their ex in their emotional vomit. They think, “If I tell my ex everything that’s bugging me or all my insecurities or how much I love them, they’ll like me more.”
Now this technically is vulnerability, but it’s a toxic and unattractive kind. Think of it this way. If I was enjoying myself at a bar right now, maybe in the company of friends or whatnot, and my ex sent me a three-page email professing her eternal love for me, I’d probably freak out.
Or if I go on a date with my ex, and immediately as we sit down, she goes on a two-hour rant about how all the men she’s dating are low-life assholes, I wouldn’t want to continue my date. It would be too much too soon, and I’d get turned off — as any person with an ounce of self-respect should. Sure, my ex is being vulnerable, but it’s toxic. Her emotions are completely disproportional to the depth of our relationship and are, therefore, unreasonable.
Back to you. Whenever you catch yourself pouring your heart out to your ex, don’t start blaming them for not appreciating it. Of course, they don’t appreciate it. It’s probably creepy and unpleasant and uncalled for. Instead, investigate your behavior, scrutinize the intentions behind it, and figure out what emotions inspired it and whether those emotions are reasonable or not.
How To Be More Vulnerable
I get that vulnerability is an abstract topic and that many people have difficulty understanding it even after reading about what it is. So, let me put forward a couple of examples of what vulnerability actually looks like in the context of re-attraction, so you can get a better idea of how to practice it.
- Confessing how you still love your ex and want them back.
- Asking your ex for another chance and letting them go if they don’t give it.
- Admitting your mistakes and how you’d avoid repeating them.
- Acknowledging how your ex’s actions have hurt you.
- Sharing a painful, personal story that relates to the one your ex shared.
- Sharing personal information that you normally keep private.
- Asserting your boundaries and standing up for what you believe in.
- Calling your ex out on their bullshit if they disrespect you.
- Giving your ex a compliment without expecting anything in return.
- Not being afraid to show you’re negatively affected by your breakup.
- Asking your ex for forgiveness if you’ve somehow deeply hurt them.
- Letting yourself feel the depth of your shame, grief, or fear of loss.
- Getting therapy when you deem you can’t handle your emotional shit alone.
- Dressing a certain way because you like it and it expresses who you are.
- Being willing to let go for good if your ex can’t provide what you want.
- Apologizing to your ex for something you’ve done because you genuinely regret it.
- Telling your ex to take it slow in the bedroom because you’re nervous.
- Asking your ex if they’d like to re-commit after you’ve been dating for some time.
- Taking responsibility for your part of the fuckups in the relationship breakdown.
Now even though these examples feel and look like behavioral prescriptions, they’re not. I’m not telling you to do something, I’m telling you to be something. Vulnerability, as I alluded to earlier, is not about doing but about being.
The Pain Period
The last thing I’ll mention is that with vulnerability comes a pain period. If you’ve faked who you are for months or years and just recently started being vulnerable, you can expect your ex to react unfavorably for a time. You could even expect a swift and perhaps permanent rejection.
But what other choice do you really have?
You can continue hiding your emotional baggage and limit the emotional connection and trust and intimacy you can develop with your ex, or you can begin airing out that baggage, dealing with the embarrassing repercussions, disapproval, and hopefully temporary rejection.
It’s not fun. It sucks. But it’s a necessary evil.
And sure, you don’t have to technically deal with your emotional baggage through your ex alone. You can work through that muck by sharing it with friends, family, or a therapist. But there will always be some issues that can only be dealt with while interacting with your ex: particularly issues revolving around inferiority and intimacy.
Start being vulnerable today and you’ll slowly become comfortable with the whole thing. You’ll grow unattached to it. And then it’ll start to feel like second nature. Even better, once you pop out of the other side of the pain period, you’ll become a more attractive, confident, and self-accepting person. A person capable of finding new layers of depth and meaning in their relationships — in all their relationships.
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Originally published at https://maxjancar.com on October 6, 2021.
